Roasted Constitution

By Kevin Joseph Tull

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Enough about the Constitution already! C’mon folks they outlawed it a long time ago. It seems like forever since anyone could possess more than an ounce of the Constitution and not do jail time.

So why do people even bother to claim that there is such a thing as Constitutional rights. The document was written over two hundred years ago by girlie men who wore powdered wigs, knickers and had frilly fabric hanging out all over their clothes, with big sissy buckles on their shoes. For God’s sake they wore hose!

But now we whine about our constitutional rights daily. The President gets passed some oppressive legislation so they can place a camera, microphone and loudspeaker in every orifice of our bodies and people say “That’s unconstitutional!” Doh! Did they really expect the government that gave us Japanese summer camps and “dropout” protesters at Kent State, to somehow suddenly realize the error of their ways and start repealing unconstitutional legislation that fills volumes that reach to the moon and back. NASA could save a ton of money if they would just stack those books up to the next planet they plan to visit and send some little robots climbing on up there.

Everything’s changed since September 11^th, so now we all have to make sacrifices of our freedoms. You just don’t know what 85 year old grandmother, with an oxygen tank and a walker might be planning the next dirty bomb attack. So if we suspend the Constitution, for a little while, over a fire and arrest anyone who sniffs too deeply the smoke of its burning hemp then we should be glad we are rid of the thing.

It seems like every American with a runny nose has sniffled that their Constitutional rights have been violated. Put it through the ENRON paper shredders and be done with it. It’s amazing how twenty pages plus amendments could cause so much misery. The Constitution that was written for the People to easily understand can’t be deciphered today without thousands of lawyers and herds of free grazing Constitutional scholars looking for a free lunch on capital hill.

Thomas Jefferson told us that the government was to be bound by the chains of the Constitution, but I guess he didn’t think the jailers would be handing over the keys to the inmates. Today’s government isn’t even bound by the daisy chains of the Constitution. In fact they’re smoking the Constitution, chain smoking.

So what’s a poor boy to do? Haven’t you been listening! Nothing! You blew that crap shoot along time ago when you made a deal with the devil. Didn’t you know that you’re just a blind lemming punching the chad while being led over the cliff, minus one wallet? “But it’s unconstitutional to discriminate against blind lemmings!!” Call the ACLU and the Save The Lemmings of North America Society. Also pick up a box of Constitutional tissues to dry your tears with. Don’t worry they won’t clog septic tanks.

Comments about “Midwest Voices,” sent to the Star: If the first commentary added to the new “Midwest Voices” column is any indication of what is to come, then get ready for the same old, same old. New contributor Cecilia Vigliaturo Treece who wrote “Sopranos’ whacks the Mafia, not Italian-Americans,” is a good a writer, but she is certainly not fresh or controversial. Since the Sopranos debut many have complained about the stereotyping of Italian-Americans, and the public and Italian-Americans who watch it have responded, “it’s just a show, so chill.”

Guess what? Another Italian-American says, “it’s just a show, so chill,” and that becomes fodder for the Star to introduce a new writer to the new column, “Midwest Voices,” that is turning out to be non-eventful except to the writers themselves. But the editorial staff can pat themselves on the back for launching a new column that emulates them and should probably be titled “Mini-Me Midwest Voices.” Of course, you can call it Sour Grapes if you want, but my essay “Roasted Constitution,” wasn’t accepted.